Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"...I have become cumbersome..."

Warning: this post is full of angst, swearing and confidence issues.

Once upon a time, I was a gym-head.

Like, a hard core "I know how to use every weight machine and do intense looking things with free weights" gym-head. Like, a "LOVE to weight-lift" gym-head.

I was THAT girl at the gym that worked out next to all the hard-core guys while the other chicks pounded their joints on the treadmills.

I had a high, tight ass and a flat, non-jiggly stomach.

*sigh* How things have changed.

Now, the thing is, I would rather do weight-training than cardio ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I fucking hate cardio. HATE.

However, after a year and a half absence from the gym, I find myself lacking ALL of the confidence and swagger at my new gym that I used to have when it came to weight-training at my old gym.

I didn't give a shit if someone watched me or if a dude with biceps the size of my thigh asked to work in with me while I was doing sets. But that was before.

Since I joined this new gym three weeks ago, I've been scanning my card and scampering quickly to the cardio room where I kill myself on the elliptical, all the while daydreaming about doing weight training.

This morning, I finally braved the weight room at my new gym. The weight-training itself felt amazing. It, at the risk of sounding maudlin, felt like a homecoming.

But, during my last exercise - this crazy move called a "teapot" that works abs while you're standing - I saw someone looking at me and quit before I was done with my third and final set, grabbed my keys and left.


Where did my confidence go?

Honestly, I know where it went - it went down the shitter along with my willpower to not eat pasta and bread.

I know where to find it - in my currently too small yoga pants I used to work out in 20 pounds ago.

Now all I need is to force myself to keep lifting even though I hate the body I see in the mirror right now.

One day about a month down the road, I'll look in that mirrow and find myself looking better, right?


viewfromtheshoebox said...

Looking better, but most importantly, feeling better, too.

Peace Turkey said...

You read between the lines very well! :-)

Who needs these thoughts, you know?

LiLu said...

Oh my god, I love this. I am ALWAYS on the elliptical and treadmill- I know I should be doing weight training, I WANT to be doing weight training, but honestly, I am just so scared and intimidated by being the only girl- and, mind you, a girl who's not so sure of what she's doing. I wish I had HALF your confidence. I'm scared of osteoporosis, but apparently not enough to really do anything about it...

Elise said...

Hi, just wanted to leave you a note because I really enjoyed this post, and to say - hello !. You have a great site here - really interesting. Thankyou for sharing it and best wishes... lovely to meet you, as it were....

Peace Turkey said...

LiLu - srsly, it's so scary. i'm glad i'm not the only one who struggles w gym confidence. sidenote - i feel so famous that you commented! i love your blog!! :-D

Elise - thank you so much for this! i've been neglecting my blog bc i feel like no one reads it! your comment makes me want to keep going! :-D