Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"...I have become cumbersome..."

Warning: this post is full of angst, swearing and confidence issues.

Once upon a time, I was a gym-head.

Like, a hard core "I know how to use every weight machine and do intense looking things with free weights" gym-head. Like, a "LOVE to weight-lift" gym-head.

I was THAT girl at the gym that worked out next to all the hard-core guys while the other chicks pounded their joints on the treadmills.

I had a high, tight ass and a flat, non-jiggly stomach.

*sigh* How things have changed.

Now, the thing is, I would rather do weight-training than cardio ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I fucking hate cardio. HATE.

However, after a year and a half absence from the gym, I find myself lacking ALL of the confidence and swagger at my new gym that I used to have when it came to weight-training at my old gym.

I didn't give a shit if someone watched me or if a dude with biceps the size of my thigh asked to work in with me while I was doing sets. But that was before.

Since I joined this new gym three weeks ago, I've been scanning my card and scampering quickly to the cardio room where I kill myself on the elliptical, all the while daydreaming about doing weight training.

This morning, I finally braved the weight room at my new gym. The weight-training itself felt amazing. It, at the risk of sounding maudlin, felt like a homecoming.

But, during my last exercise - this crazy move called a "teapot" that works abs while you're standing - I saw someone looking at me and quit before I was done with my third and final set, grabbed my keys and left.

FAIL.

Where did my confidence go?

Honestly, I know where it went - it went down the shitter along with my willpower to not eat pasta and bread.

I know where to find it - in my currently too small yoga pants I used to work out in 20 pounds ago.

Now all I need is to force myself to keep lifting even though I hate the body I see in the mirror right now.

One day about a month down the road, I'll look in that mirrow and find myself looking better, right?

5 comments:

viewfromtheshoebox said...

Looking better, but most importantly, feeling better, too.

Peace Turkey said...

You read between the lines very well! :-)

Who needs these thoughts, you know?

LiLu said...

Oh my god, I love this. I am ALWAYS on the elliptical and treadmill- I know I should be doing weight training, I WANT to be doing weight training, but honestly, I am just so scared and intimidated by being the only girl- and, mind you, a girl who's not so sure of what she's doing. I wish I had HALF your confidence. I'm scared of osteoporosis, but apparently not enough to really do anything about it...

Elise said...

Hi, just wanted to leave you a note because I really enjoyed this post, and to say - hello !. You have a great site here - really interesting. Thankyou for sharing it and best wishes... lovely to meet you, as it were....

Peace Turkey said...

LiLu - srsly, it's so scary. i'm glad i'm not the only one who struggles w gym confidence. sidenote - i feel so famous that you commented! i love your blog!! :-D

Elise - thank you so much for this! i've been neglecting my blog bc i feel like no one reads it! your comment makes me want to keep going! :-D