Saturday, May 2, 2009

"...I don't know what to believe in you don't know who I am..."

I'm a firm believer that the hardest growing pains to endure are not the ones you have when you're a teenager. It's the ones you have in your 20's that are the worst.

When you have those first growing pains, you're around people who've known you your whole life. And that makes it easier. Because they all know the real you and know that you're just going through a poopy-pants phases.

When you're in your 20's, you're mostly surrounded by people you haven't really known forever. You may have one or two friends that have known you since your awkward years but for the most part, your friends are someone you met in college or someone you currently work with. And the person you're currently dating is probably not someone who was around when you went through those embarrassing "I want curly hair so I'm going to get a perm" phases.

And while these people are all people you can't imagine not having in your life, part of you wonders if all of those things you went through before you met them (losing the v-card, first love, first heartbreak, frat parties, old hobbies you wish you still did, all those weekends going out clubbing and drinking, family struggles, etc) actually matter to these new people in your life.

I wonder these things alot lately.

I used to play tennis for about two hrs a day, everyday for four years in high school. Went I went to college, I still played every chance I could. After classes, on weekends, summers.

Tennis is only one example of something that was a huge part of my life that I don't do anymore.

This is all to say that I worry that I'm not a whole person with the new people in my life. I know friendships and relationships take time and that as you get to know someone, you start to reveal things about your past self that are important enough to talk about. I know all that.

...I'm just rambling at this point....

... It's just that I have this sick feeling that I'm on the verge of having some life-changing things happen to me soon and as such the verbal diarrhea tends to come in waves....

But to end on a happy note, Jason finished up work on his house early yesterday and had me take him to play tennis. It was nice and it awakened my overwhelming desire to be a competitive tennis player again.

Fashionista0921 and I will be going to a tennis clinic tomorrow in an effort to reclaim pieces of ourselves that we both actually have lost.

Maybe the playing tennis yesterday is what has me thrown off of my rotational axis.


Fashionista0921 said...

AMEN to this whole post

Susan said...

I feel like a surrogate aunt here sometimes.

So, sweet child, growing pains happen again when you get married and if/when you have children. You lose, possibly, your whole self. It's very hard not to. If you are careful, it's like an archeological dig, this finding yourself again. You flake away the stuff that's built up around what you want to keep, and you put the pieces back together in ways you never thought of before.

The pieces are there, if you choose to use them.