Monday, January 19, 2009

"...I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence ..."

We all know that Mondays are notoriously dull. And, after staying up late to watch that ROCKING STEELERS' GAME, my brain isn't firing on all cylinders.

So while I continue to pump caffeine into my tired system via my "bowl of coffee"(see above) as some people call my favorite 16oz coffee cup... I'm going to sit here in silence in my completely empty shop and offer you some random thoughts from PT's muddled brain.... I'm sure you're all so excited!

...I swear too fucking much. (Nothing made me realize this more than having a boyfriend who is not at all foul-mouthed unless it's reallllly reallllly called for. As in "Fuck, my truck won't start!" Or "Fuck, I wrecked my bike, please take me to the ER! I think my hand is broken!" Whereas I on the other hand am prone to use the f-word much more liberally. As in "Fuck, my mascara looks so fucking hot today!" Shameful.)

...I need to go to the gym more. (I recently joined Curves, despite my liberal tendencies that told me not to. Pittsburgh is not at all friendly to runners in the winter so I had to make alternate plans til springtime. And while I did go to the gym this morning, I was so damn tired when I was done that I was huffing and puffing more than the old ladies.)

...I love cooking for Jason. (Does this make me a 50's housewife-type woman? Should I be worried? This side of a year ago, I would have laughed if someone told me I'd be cooking dinner for someone on a semi-regular basis. Friends have said I'm cooking for him so much in an effort to fatten him up and make him less appealing to other women. Offensive on so many levels, but kinda funny and MAYBE true... subconsciously.)

...Hearing people whistle makes me wish I carried a gun. (I don't condone gun violence and I truly believe that people who get permits to carry concealed weapons are crazy, but holy god damn, hearing someone whistle makes me CRAZY enough to want a permit to carry a concealed weapon.)

...I'm highly emotionally reactive. (As evidenced by the previous observation. Sheesh. Must work on this.)

...If I could, I'd spend whole paychecks at Sephora. (Enough said. I'm sure at least one of you feels me on this.)

...Two years ago, I had my heart broken so badly by someone I cared so deeply for that I was shocked to find out that there are actually good men out there and that one of them is pretty crazy about me. (Good guys.... good guys are the ones to go after! WHO KNEW?!)

...I'm highly addicted to blogging. (And even if no one is highly addicted to READING my blog, I still enjoy letting shit out. Right around the time my therapist and I discussed cutting back my sessions to an "as needed" basis last year, I started this blog. I'm not saying that this blog has replaced my need for therapy or that blogging is better than therapy. I'm just sayin... sometimes it's the whole "getting the emotions into words" that's the hardest part when you're trying to heal yourself. This blog makes me keep finding the words.)


...I hold on to the hope that I'll have a somewhat traditional wedding if I ever get married. (I want my dad can walk me down some sort of aisle. I'm sure it won't be a church aisle. And I want bridesmaids because honestly, getting to be someone's bridesmaid is like, getting the ultimate best friend necklace and I want my dear friends to feel that emotion. And I want to dance around like an idiot in a pretty dress with the people I love. Etc, etc, etc...)

... Lately, I wear too much black and I don't like that so much. (Is it because it's winter? I dunno... but I'm pretty sure I used to wear a shit ton of pink in the winter in an effort to combat the seasonal affective disorder. Hmmm...)

...Finally, getting emails and comments from both strangers and people I know in reaction to my abnormal pap smear has been so amazing. It's girl code to rally around a woman who's having DOWN THERE problems - to share stories, to share concerns, to channel good vibes. And all of you out there who read that post have been so kind and have made me feel so much better and have given me a much more positive attitude about all of this. For that, I'm so SO grateful.

::...PT wanders off to fill up her bowl of coffee again...::


SM said...

I'm catching up on posts and just read your one about the abnormal pap. I hope everything is OK...I've had a couple of abnormal ones and everything was just fine. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

As for the rest of your post, I'm like you - I drop the f-bomb far too much. But it feels good to say it. I like the way I say it.

And people who whistle? OMG - can't stand it. It drives me absolutely nutty.

Susan said...

I'm sitting in my empty shop, too!

Peace Turkey said...

SM - The f-word is magical. I've been trying to ween myself off of it. But srsly, how else would you describe a whistler? "Fucking whistler. Shut the fuck up!" And, thank you for the good thoughts!

Susan - So you feel my pain, yes?